Election Hangover
How to Create a Dark Times Tool Kit
Ticket for entry to the dance party last night.
A lot of you probably woke up the day after the election experiencing the same thing I did. Election hangover. A mixture of anxiety about the future, depression, disbelief, and exasperation. It is exhausting to pick yourself up after loss. Especially when the majority of those around you don’t see your vision. It can be isolating and reality warping. It can even make you feel like a loser.
The thing is, we are not just having a dark day or a dark week, we are headed into a dark period. I know this because it is how I have been living for the past year, if not the past ten years. The rest of the world is just now catching up to my daily vibe. When I lost the custody battle I had been fighting for the better part of a decade (you can read all about it here in The Continued Chronicles of Divorcing a Narcissist), I woke up day after day hoping it was all just a bad dream. A year out after the worst actually happened, I am safely able to say, we will make it. I promise you. We will make it.
I am not here to brightside you. I am here to reach out my hand in hopes that I can help you to stand back up. I have taken more punches than I can count that could solidly place me in the “I’m a loser” category permanently. I had a bad feeling that the election results I was dreading would trigger me to fall back into my old routine. The one where I don’t see the reason for carrying on. And sure enough it did. I woke up in a heavy cloud of grief. Full of angst and agitation. I just wanted to punch things.
So instead of staying there and plummeting down into my own dark familiar well of spiraling and self-hatred, I sat down to write to you. I’m not about to tell you to go out and find joy and pleasure in your day despite the crushing blow we all continue to wake up to. Mostly because those two words make me retch. But also because it's at that point in fall where it rains all the time and the leaves are all blechy on the ground. And the time change has made it so I am hungry most of the day. It basically feels like the darkness is creeping in on all sides. Plus I live in a red state and I just can’t believe I live in a red state. Joy and pleasure would be a serious stretch right now.
I wanted to write to you and share what has gotten me through some very long hard times. I have had to come up with various coping strategies to get myself through all kinds of different hard times but this particular list is for the extended dark times. The marathons, not the sprints.
This tool kit can shorten the poor me stage of my wallowing. It can kick me out of the endless loop I tend to stay stuck in day after day when a blow like this hits me in the gut. It can get me out of the “I’m a loser” mentality when all I can see is evidence that I am in fact a loser and everything feels hopeless.
You were probably tweaking after mainlining enough caffeine to avoid falling into a news blitz coma after staying up half the night checking the votes hoping things would end up differently. I did the same thing. But then I put on whatever sweatpants were lying around and after dropping off my son at school, I took the dog for a walk. The darkness was just beginning to lift and the sky was doing an excellent job of distracting me with its colors. This brings me to my first tool: get outside.
Go for a walk, sit on your stoop, jump on your kid’s trampoline, eat lunch outside away from your desk. It doesn’t matter where you live or how much nature you have, just give yourself the chance to get some sun on your face. And if there is no sun, just breathe in the air. Let yourself feel the expanse of the outside world. It helps to shake things loose.
If you are lucky enough to have more access to nature, like you live on three acres of land and can let your dog run off leash without getting yelled at and then go back home to sit by a cozy already lit wood stove, then I am very envious of you. If you don’t have all of that but you have a park nearby or a place to hike this weekend, do it. The more nature the better. My grandparents didn’t have any of this, but when I visited them in the summer, they would sit outside in their backyard wearing their robes over their pajamas, drinking coffee, and reading the newspaper together every single morning. It was so weird to me then but I get it now.
While I go about my morning, getting myself ready, driving in the car, or walking the dog, I enlist my second tool: talking to friends. Because I live so far away from most of my dearest friends and family, I use this app I love so very very much called Marco Polo. It’s not as good as being able to have actual conversations with those I love but it gives me the ability to stay in touch with them, but on our own timeline. The most difficult part of staying connected when apart is matching up schedules for video calls or phone calls to have meaningful chats. This app was the best solution to solve this problem. My people can leave me video messages when they have time and I can listen to them and respond when I have time. Each video that pops up for me is like a little present waiting to be opened.
You don’t have to use this particular app obviously but in whatever way you think will work to stay connected to your people, go find your people and get connected. In my darkest hours over the last few years, feeling like I had no value to offer to the world, the connection to my friends and family is what grounded me. They would again and again reflect back what I needed to hear about myself. Reminding me of the battles I had fought. It’s important to have people in your corner who know you are the same amazing you even when outside circumstances and all the voices in your head are telling you otherwise. Their love will give you much needed hope that will propel you forward. And you get to do this for them too. It’s the circle of love.
I will add here that I am a very introverted person. I have found other ways that work for me to stay connected that also don’t tax my introverted nature. Walks instead of drinks, coffee chats one on one instead of events and parties, game nights instead of loud restaurant dinners. Find your way to hold onto your people. They are your lifelines back to yourself.
The third tool I pull out of my marathon tool kit is a weird one: find some control. Now this can get sticky if you tend to be a control freak like me. You don’t want to get too far into the weeds and end up cleaning out your closets on bad days just looking for purpose. When the biggest problems weighing me down are gravity problems that I can’t do a damn thing about, I try to find little ways that help me feel like I still have control. At least in my own bubble. This does not include trying to control those around me. That does not work and they don’t like it very much.
The quickest, best way for me to get some control fast is tidying up the house. I have about four things I like to do each day, especially during long extended dark times (which is basically all the time in my current situation) that help me feel in control, even when I know I am not. I make the bed, I empty and reload the dishwasher, I do a full scan of the house picking up any object along the way that needs to be put back in its home, and I start a load of laundry.
It’s not magical but it feels like I am resetting the day. This is the specific list of things that work for me, you might have completely different needs. Maybe you’re at work and feel better when you tackle your inbox, go through that pile of paperwork that takes up space on your desk or remove all the old coffee cups littering your work space. Whatever makes you feel like you are pulling it all together, do it.
It helps to have systems in place that makes the tidying session actually feel like it cleaned things up. A system that keeps your environment normally chaos free so that in a few minutes it feels like you are pulling your surrounding areas all back together. Putting these systems in place is a whole other thing that we can go into at a later date. It takes some work to get there but once these systems are in place, they tend to hold. Then during darker times when there is absolutely no way in hell cleaning is on the menu, tidying is all you need to feel like you are driving the bus again.
Now if you aren’t sure whether your problem is a gravity problem or not, you could read this book about it, or simply ask yourself this question. Do I have control over making this problem stop or go away? If not, the answer is yes, what you have is a gravity problem.
Our living room election bunker.
Creativity is the next tool in my kit. It’s why I sat down here to write. Creativity is a way to own our power and reinforce the idea that despite the gravity problem, we still have unique thoughts and ways to express them. This could be spending any amount of time doing any hobby you are into. If there isn’t one extra minute in your day to do a hobby or create something, then find ways to add creativity into the things you already have to do that day.
This could be adding something extra to the clothes you put on for the day (think jewelry, cool shoes, etc) or the dinner you prepare that night. It doesn't matter what it is as long as it’s fun and does not add stress to your plate.
If you have kids, you could just color or draw with them. We love the videos on Art for Kids Hub. You and your kids could just get curious about things and research something you don’t know together. Today we searched on which birds gather food for the winter and which ones don’t. Yesterday we researched the world’s strongest man who is only 26 years old and can deadlift over 1000 lbs. You could also build a giant fort like the one that is currently taking up my entire living room. We call it our election bunker. It’s filled with bean bag chairs, books and glow bears. We ate breakfast in our election bunker this morning.
One little act of creativity will remind your stressed out brain that you do have freedom. You do have power over your own thoughts. There is still room to express yourself in your world. It can also be a thought to drift off to later when you are stuck in a really boring meeting and the rage or tears are building.
The next tool I have for you might be the least fun but it might be the most important. There are a whole lot of ways to break this down which will fill many posts to come. This one tool has saved me from the undertow of darkness completely swallowing me up: healthy habits. Sounds lame I know but hear me out.
When things go dark the last thing I want to do is eat greens and exercise. But I have found that the more I stay on track, the better I feel which means I usually don’t fall as far or hit the ground as hard. I have taken it one step farther. I see exercise, and in particular weightlifting, as a way to fight the patriarchy. I refuse to let it crush me, and I want to get stronger to fight back. Here’s another cool blog about it if you want to deep dive into this with me. Or stay tuned because I have a sneaking suspicion I am going to go on many a rant about weightlifting soon.
There is so much that goes into creating and maintaining healthy habits, but for now, all you need are two things to build a strong foundation. Food and movement. Focus on one aspect of making your everyday food healthier. Instead of taking things out of your diet, put more of the things you want to eat in. Whatever it is you feel like you are lacking, maybe it’s green vegetables, water or protein. Just find one thing to focus on that makes your body feel better and add it into your meals.
When you feel like that has become a habit, maybe 1-2 months later, add in another thing. Eventually you will see more of the things you wish you didn’t consume fading into the background. It’s not about good foods and bad foods here, it’s about just feeling better in your body so that when the bad times hit, the wind isn’t knocked out of you and you can fall back on your feel good habits to carry you through.
For movement, I am a complete nut about building strength. If I could get every woman to only add one thing to their life it would be to lift weights. Not only does it make you feel like a badass which really helps on days that challenge this feeling, but it also helps maintain muscle mass, which we need as we age, and prevents bone loss. If weights aren’t your thing (yet), and I will try to convince you at a later date, then do whatever you like to do to move. Doesn’t matter what it is, just get your blood pumping. Swim, walk, do yoga, have a dance party with your kids. We had one last night and the tickets were badges our son made that said “Ask Here”. Sadly no one asked me anything.
If you are stuck at your desk grinding away all day, make sure to get up and walk around. Go talk to someone instead of sending an email. Drink lots of water so you have to get up and go to the bathroom a lot. If no one can see you in your office, set a timer every 30-45 minutes and squat 10 times. Anything is better than sitting all day and letting the dark times run you over.
The last tool is the one I think you will like the most: distraction. This is where you get to numb out for a while. Do whatever works for you here. Binge watch a very dumb show. Sit and read in the tub and eat Halloween candy. Build a lego set with very intricate pieces with your kids. If you are like my husband you will be found planning next summer’s garden already. Just try not to doom scroll or hang out on social media too much. You want to let yourself relax and forget for a little while that the dark times are upon us and also still very much ahead of us. You need to catch your breath so you can keep fighting.
To recap, this is the marathon tool kit that has gotten me through the very extended dark tunnels of my life.
Go outside
Control
Create
Healthy Habits
Distraction
When you just don’t see the light, I promise if you keep walking, you will come out the other side. It’s time to put one foot in front of the other. Keep walking and repeat after me. We will make it. We will make it.
Stay strong. Lift dumbbells.
Thank you for the wonderful words and as always solid as cement support.
Every bit of this piece is inspirational. I learned a new word; brightside. And, I learned how my dear friend is turning the soil of her life's challenges into gold. The garbage turned over and over until she has emerged with soil so rich, even her husband will want to put it around his plants (physical and metaphorical). It is dusk in America so let us all hold hands as we move into the dark so that we don't lose sight of the humanity within each of us.